Why do I Trade? Part 3: Pain

I watched Grey's Anatomy the other day (I seldom watch the television by the way), and it was this one episode about a little girl who thought she was a superhero. She could feel no pain no matter the seriousness of the injury. Of course, she was not a superhero, it was some scientific disease or something where one could not feel pain. I could not remember what symptom it was called (Hehe, I m a trader, not a doctor).
But due to this illness, the girl kept asking everyone to punch her in the stomach to prove that she has superpowers (hence no pain). And the doctors found out that she was suffering from internal bleeding.
At the end of the episode, the narrator said something to the effect of,
"We all want to live a life without pain, but we forget the very reason why we feel pain"


In my previous post, I described the euphoria of making money - of feeling like I am some sort of genius in trading. However, this was far from the truth. Very far. While I have discovered knowledge, I have yet to acquire wisdom. I was ready to make big money but I was not worthy of keeping it. I sinned.

No, not the typical sin - but trading sins. I overtraded. Would the concept of trading one lot be the same as trading 10 lots? Or 100 lots? Logically, it would appear so. However, we know its not true. Yet, when you ve just discovered your own holy grail, you feel invincible. I mean, why wouldn't you? Out of 10 trades, 9 trades are big wins, while there's one minuscule trade is stopped. What could go wrong with a superb system like that?

The trader, unfortunately. It always boils down to either the people or the system. When something goes wrong, look no further, its either the system or the people. Often, its the people. Afterall, people are the ones who set the system anyway. This is true for trading, this is true for all things in life.


The phenomenal rise, ended with a phenomenal fall.

Once I overtraded and things did not go as what I foresee, I could not be my usual self. While my system says, stop, I went on to commit another trading sin - averaging down. As I average down further, the more I could not execute stop loss. I then risk even more funds into a losing position - this is in direct violation again to not commit more than 20% of trading capital into one trade. Ultimately, when things still did not go my way, I plunged into the worst sin - revenge trade. At the end of the day, I lost much. I was barely saved from being a bankrupt. But what was worse, was that I lost my confidence to trade.


I could not look at the market. I could not see the screen. A mere mention of anything remotely similar to stock market would be tantamount to taking a knife and cutting a part of me. The pain was excruciating. I could not sleep. I could not sit. I could not eat. I could not do anything. When I talk, my voice was quivering. My knees were weak, my hands shivering. I became a living zombie. No one could console me as I could not concentrate on what they were talking. In my mind, the whole scene just repeat itself in a neverending loop. The torture of living the mistake over and over again was just too much. How? Why? How and why could this happen to me?

It was a difficult time for myself. Perhaps it was a difficult for others but it was not my concern. I wasn't capable of being concerned of anything during that time anyway. The story could have ended here, indeed, for many it would have, but this is not how the story ends. It continues...

~to be continued...

And here's a little music video from a band called Simple Plan to add to the drama. Enjoy!